The Easy way Out

So before I started learning more about emotion regulation and social situations, I had tried to commit suicide several times. 

I would get to a point where I couldn't see anyway to solve what what going on around me (or even understand it sometimes).  I didn't understand why people did or said particular things, I didn't know how to solve certain problems etc  Basically I was looking at an unsolved cube and would become extremely distressed about this (of course, if I had realised I was doing the same thing as looking at an unsolved cube the distress probably would have gone away).  I had these false expectations:
- The Cube should always be solved
- The Cube must not be messy at any stage
- If I get stuck, the Cube will never be solved...
Clearly these false beliefs didn't leave me in avery good frame of mind.  How many people will admit to throwing a real Rubik's Cube across a room in frustration because they can't solve it?  [I'll be a few of you said yes to that].

About 2 weeks into using the Cube as a model for social skills and emotion regulation I realised it worked well as an analogy for suicide attempts and what they really do. 

Imagine you've got your cube looking pretty good on the top layer, but the bottom 2 layers (that only you can see, remember) aren't looking so flash.  You get all frustrated because you can't work out what to do in order to sort out those bottom two layers.  In your frustration you randomly move all sides of the cube and suddenly, Wham!  Your entire cube is messed up, including that top layer that everyone else sees.

You might even have intentionally messed up the cube, hoping that it would be easier to solve if messed up a different way.  But really all you did was took yourself backwards a lot.  No you don't just have to contend with a messed up bottom two layers, but everyone else can see your cube is messed up because they can see the newly disrupted top layer.  Now you need to work hard just to get that top layer looking good again, and then you'll be right back where you were with the two bottom layers still messed up.  No-one likes seeing other peoples cubes messed up, it's distressing.  At least when the top layer of your cube is neat and tidy people can see that you've got the basic things going right - it inspires a degree of confidence.  Most people will smile at a solved cube, and similarly, most will turn away from a messed up cube (unless of course they feel they can fix it and have a passion for doing so...  Read into that what you will).

So, once I realised that each suicide attempt was essentially just me messing up my entire cube, decreasing people's confidence (and mine) in my abilities, losing me time, making things harder, pushing me backwards...  All of those things...  Well, once I realised all of that, suicide didn't really seem like an easy way out, it seemed completely illogical and distasteful.  For my overly analytical and logical autistic mind, that was eactly what I needed; a way to reframe suicide attempts so they were not a solution, but rather something negative. 

To anyone who has never tried to kill themselves that might all sound incredibly logical, and it is.  But the jaws of depression helped me twist suicide into a logical 'fix-all' solution.  That while I didn't want to die, it was an 'out' to solving my own cube.  Which as I have written...  My Life if a 5x5 Rubik's Cube!

Summary:
- Suicide attempts are like messing up your entire cube when you are frustrated about not being able to solve the whole thing. 
- You may only be stuck with the bottom two layers initially, but once you mess it all up you them have to solve the whole cube again!
- Once you mess up the whole cube, even the top layer looks messed up. 
- Other people don't like seeing messed up cubes (and they can only see the top layer), so messing up your cube isn't very pleaseing to others; they'll probably look away.
- A messed up cube is more work to solve than a cube that is at least partly solved, say just one layer.
- The cube is not likely to be any easier to solve the second time around, especially if you didn't learn any skill the first time before messing the entire thing up. 
- In fact, giving up once an give you the bad habit of messing up the cube whenever you feel stuck or frustrated - once you've done it once it is much easier to do again.
- Instead of messing up your cube when you are simply ready to give up and mess the whole thing up, simply put the entire thing down (just how it is) and come back to it later!  This might mean some "you-time" not worrying about the state of the cube.
- The bigger your cube is to start with, the worse it is when it gets all messed up!

(c) Arlene Taylor 2010