One step back.

The first session I had with the psychologist who introduced me to the idea of using my Rubik's cube obsession to understand emotion regulation and social situations, we came up with the phrase "take it back to the blue".

For someone unaware of the cube analogy, the catch phrase above would seem somewhat strange. 

Remember how I hold the cube; blue face up.  Also remember how the top layer of the cube is the part of your life that everyone else sees.  Now let's take a scenario where someone does something to upset you, or damage something in your life...  Say your top layer was solved, looking pretty good.  When the other person damges you, or some aspect of your life it's like them messing up your cube.  Clearly you need to 'keep things together' (ie. get your top layer solve again).  It will take longer to fix the whole cube up again than to just fix the top layer.  So, when someone 'messes up your cube' - take it back to the blue!  Be aware that you don't have to fix the 'whole cube' (or in life terms - the whole problem and mess) for things to become 'functional' again:  It is that top layer that matters, the rest can be worked on later.

The first time I used this principle of "Taking it back to the blue" was the first night I discovered the principle.  I was in hospital, socialising with some of the other patients.  We had decided to play a game of pool.  I sunk one of the balls for my team.  A lady on the other team started to get very tense and agitated.  She was clearly upset at their now 'losing' status.  Everyone could see she was upset. 

Usually when I play a game I'm very competative.  I play to win...  I needed to analyse the situation.  In normal circumstances I would have ignored the distress of the lady on my opposing team - after all, I want to win.  But this night I stopped and thought.  I realised that our game was not about who won and who lost...  For the others it was about having some fun, for myself it was a deliberate attempt to practise socialising.  when I realised that winning (my sub-motivation for playing that evening) was not the be all and end all of the night I realised I didn't have to fix the entire situation. 

There is no way I could have changed the personality of the woman who was upset at now being on the losing team.  There was no way I could instantaneously change my inbuilt drive to win.  I couldn't change the rules of the game, but I did have another shot (thanks to sinking the ball). 

To take things one step back, back to where everyone was playing to have fun (and I was learning to handle social situations), what could I do? 

I deliberately sunk a ball for the other team with my extra shot.  Twist!  We took it back to the blue...

By sinking a ball for the other team everything became light hearted again.  The other lady's personality was the same, but she returned to be fairly relaxed once things evened up again.  The result was that everyone kept enjoying the game, despite the fact our team lost the potential to sink one of our own balls. 

Interestingly, because that game of pool remained fun, people kept playing.  Had the game been upsetting for some parties then a lot of people may have chosen to stop playing before the next game.  Instead, we all played happily for another hour or so. 

It took a while for me to get to the point where 'taking it back to the blue' happens naturally.  For the first dozen or so occasions of using this principle I had to actively think through what the ultimate goals of various situations were, what small thing I might have to do to bring the situation back to a managable level and how I might do that. 

This one principle as by far been the most useful one for me in terms of lessening my anxietyin social situations (and over life events).  When I used to see a messed up cube (or life problems), I felt like I had to fix the entire puzzle.  A lot of times that simply wasn't going to be possible in the near future.  Once I learnt this principle I learnt that I didn't have to fix it all at once, I just needed to bring the cube back to an acceptable state.  In most situations this is managable (sometimes it can take an enourmous amount of energy to do this, but it is far more managable than solving the entire cube).

Summary:
- Someone causing you grief or messing up something in your life is like them messing up your cube
- People only see the top layer of your cube
- It is easier and faster to fix just the top layer of the cube, rather than the whole thing
- Once you fix the top layer of the cube you will be in a 'safe' position to work on the two bottom layers (and whatever damage they sustained)
- Take it back to the blue!

(c) Arlene Taylor 2010